Valuing Children and Kindness: Learning from Betty

Valuing Children and Kindness.

I’m sitting up in bed as I am not very well. I have, annoyingly, got a horrible virus I can’t seem to shake off. I got up and got dressed yesterday and I think I should have stayed in bed – so today I intend to try to properly sleep this rotten thing off.

After I have written this.

As a children’s writer I fully support S.F. Said’s campaign about increasing the coverage of children’s books in our newspapers. http://www.thebookseller.com/news/author-campaigns-more-childrens-book-reviews-321274 It is astonishing that children’s books are ignored so much – and every children’s writer cheered when Frances Hardinge won the Costa prize for her novel ‘The Lie Tree’,

http://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Frances-Hardinge/The-Lie-Tree–Costa-Book-of-the-Year-2015/16491266

not just because it is an excellent book and deserved all the praise it got, but because it was showing the wider literary public that children’s books can be amazing and just as brilliant – if not more so – than any written for adults. I often have more confidence that I am going to read and enjoy an excellent story when I pick up a children’s book than an adult book. There are some AMAZING books out there – and I encourage you to browse the children’s shelves in your library or bookshop and see what I am talking about.

I think this lack of respect for books written for children is not just about underestimating the skill of the adults who write for them, but also about undervaluing children themselves.

Look at us. We are crushing our children from the moment they start school with tests. I was recently with some Foundation Year (Reception) children. I dressed as a fairy and read out my and Rosalind Beardshaw’s book ‘The Fairiest Fairy’ to them, reading my words and showing them Rosalind Beardshaw’s wonderful illustrations

http://nosycrow.com/product/the-fairiest-fairy/

Now, Betty is the main character in my book, and she is a little kind hearted fairy who can’t do any of the tasks she is learning at Fairy School – she can’t wake the flowers, sprinkle dew drops or paint rainbows very well – and she feels very upset about it. LUCKILY (spoiler alert!) Betty IS good at being kind, and the little rabbit, blackbird and butterfly she helps out of various predicaments, each, in turn, then help her to do the tasks she needs to do and which she can’t do on her own. One reception class teacher at a school I went to commented on how much he liked the book and felt it was needed, because he was coming across more and more four year olds who were describing themselves as ‘rubbish’ when they couldn’t do something.

After I had read out the book this time and we had all sprinkled dewdrops, painted rainbows and woken flowers, after we had cheered when Betty was declared ‘the Fairiest Fairy’ because she was kind, after we had sung ‘The Fairies on the bus scatter dewdrops like this…etc’ I asked the children – ‘so – what can you tell me about Betty?’ A bright little girl eagerly put up her hand and said very emphatically: ‘She isn’t very good at doing things and she needs to learn to get better at them.’

AAAGH.

Of course I didn’t say that. I nodded encouragingly and told her ‘Well, you’re definitely right that she isn’t very good at things, so that is true -(the little girl nodded in agreement) but I think there’s something even MORE important about her…Can anyone tell me?’ I then got a lovely little boy putting up his hand who said ‘I think Betty is good at EVERYTHING’ so I said ‘yes, you’re right – when her friends help her she does do all the tasks really well, but is Betty good at waking the flowers, sprinkling dew drops or painting rainbows on her own?’…We finally, as a class, managed to get a consensus that Betty was actually NOT very good at the tasks but that wasn’t the important thing – the most important thing, and the reason why she was voted ‘The Fairest Fairy’ was that she was kind and knew how to be a friend.

Those children are so little. Their job in foundation year should be to have fun, to learn how to be friends, to enjoy stories and playing and making things – and most of all to be loved and to love. The teachers and teaching assistants are trying so hard to communicate this – but they are being given so many targets and tests to put the children through – and some, like that eager little girl, are swallowing the story in our culture that the most important thing about education is passing tests and ‘getting better’ at things – so much so that even though she had just listened very carefully to a book which told her the exact opposite – she still thought the main thing about Betty was that she was failing.

Kindness isn’t exactly being communicated as the most important quality.

OK – so now let’s go the end of schooling. My 17 year old son is currently in Year 13 – and as his mum I do want him to pass his ‘A’ levels and get the highest grades he can so that he can go to the university he wants to go to. I am not against people working hard and using their talents – in fact, I think it is something we have a duty to do. I am very proud of his academic gifts and his love of reading and study – but most of all that he is kind and thoughtful and funny and loving. I would do anything to keep him safe. Like any mum. If we had lived in a war zone when he was 13 or 14 I would have sent him away to a safe country. i would have told him ‘ stay safe, work hard for these kind people who will take you in, and when you can, come back to us. Come home. But only when it is safe.’

And now today I read this.

https://t.co/jr74J3NNSA

And I can’t bear it. My son will be 18 soon. We are looking forward to it. We will be going as a family to hear some Jazz, because he loves Music. I hope that this year he will be off to University. I worry about him, and I will miss him terribly, but I have hope that he will have a wonderful time. He will still be my child.

Not like those poor children. They came here out of unimaginable terrors. Nobody can argue that, for example, Afghanistan is a safe place for a young boy to grow up in. So they come here, and they go to school in their adopted country, and they make friends, and they feel relief at being safe. And then a 17 year old like my son turns 18 – and they get sent back.

How is that kind? How is that loving? How is that really loving other people’s children, rewarding their faith in us – if we say – OK – you can be safe for a few years and then we will knowingly send you back to danger, to fear and to possible death? Because, you are not our child.

And it is so stupid too. In ‘The Fairiest Fairy’ Betty isn’t kind to Rabbit, Bird and Butterfly for ulterior motives – but her kindness to them inspires gratitude – they want to help her when she needs help, and they do. In years to come we will need good relationships with the new governments of these war-torn countries – if we have been kind to their children, just imagine the goodwill we will store up. I would do anything for someone who is kind to my children. The children themselves, if we allow them, having educated them, to give back to the country which gave them refuge, can, with their cultural knowledge and language skills, help us forge positive relationships with other nations. It makes sense. It makes sense to value children – our own and others. It makes sense to be kind.

Carers and the burden of Expectations

Carers and the burden of Expectations.

I want to normally write in reference to my work as a children’s writer, but I have been awake in the night after reading a tweet by a highly influential academic urging relatives of those with dementia to take responsibility for their feeding in hospital. I have even read the comment that this would free up nursing staff to look after those who have no relatives.

I understand the context of this. I  was a carer for my mum for 5 years until her recent death in 2014. I understand the horrific reports of abuse and neglect. I understand the financial demands on the NHS. I understand the frustration and fear that comes with leaving a relative with dementia in hospital, and why some carers seem to be welcoming this idea. But I strongly disagree with this proposal, and now that I am no longer a carer for someone with dementia, I want to talk up for those who still are.

I was a carer for my mum, who had many medical problems in her old age, one of which was vascular dementia. I was a carer for five years before her death whilst at the same time bringing up four children with my husband. She lived directly across the road from us with my dad. In the week before she died she said to me that I was the best daughter she could have hoped for. I say this feeling rather a fraud, and not to boast, but as a sort of reference for myself, to give me a defence or authority for what I am about to say. I shouldn’t really have to, but I fear that only those who were ‘the best daughter or son’ are being listened to – those who are NOT coping are not having the input they should have into the formulation of policy. And they are carers too.

I found the day to day demands of being a carer a real struggle. I did not enjoy it. Actually, even with the support of my lovely husband, the Age UK dementia outreach nurse, and a therapist, it nearly broke me, physically and emotionally. I am still dealing with the aftermath. I am not even a hundred percent sure I did the best thing taking on the role of a full time carer, but, as with many people, I felt I had no choice. I did my best. I’m still not sure it was good enough, but my elderly parents were utterly unable to cope, and my siblings were not in the position to take on the role. In many ways I felt I had no choice, but even with the most supportive husband in the world and four lovely children, the experience was often awful.

The experience of being a carer was often awful for me because of exhausting bureaucracy, because of non-dementia, non-elderly- people – friendly encounters with professionals and systems. I spent many hours fighting for my mum. I fought for her in hospitals when she was admitted, asking for assessments for her, fighting for her to have the right medication, the right attention. I remember arguing for hours with one doctor who, after she was admitted to hospital after a fall, took her off her heart medication and only listened to me when she was literally at the point of death. I keep telling him that if he did not give her the medication she would die, but he kept insisting that he had to monitor her without it – and it was only when she became very ill and I was told she might not even survive the night that he gave in.

But it was also awful because I was socially isolated, I was worried sick about money, because I had left my job, that because I found it overwhelming trying to look after my four children and my mother and the needs of my father too – who whilst living with mum was also struggling with cancer and recurrent chest infections, who always had relied on my mum for the every day transactions, and who was often in denial about her capacity.

The experience was also awful because of the nature of dementia and the depression that my mother suffered from. Most days during those five years, nothing was good enough. I used to steel myself to go over to her, as many, many days I would be told how miserable she felt, how I didn’t understand that she was dying, that I was heartless. I was distressed by her distress, and not able to distance myself. At times my mum thought I was stealing her money, lying to her. I remember feeling desperate when she point blank refused to pay me money for a month’s amount of groceries. For those who ask – ‘why didn’t you have power of attorney – why didn’t you use her cheque book to pay for the food?’ – you have no idea. I did have the power of attorney but I couldn’t have used it without causing utter meltdown. Even before my mother’s dementia she was a fearful person. My parents avidly watched Jeremy Kyle and any programmes with ‘…..from hell’ in the title. My mother was terrified by stories of daughters cheating their parents, taking all their money, and then banning them to some hellish care home, and the fact that I had always tried to be a kind loving daughter and was doing exactly the opposite to the people on TV made no difference. Any mention from me of cheque books or cards and all the years I had tried to be the perfect daughter were wiped out – I was the daughter from hell, stealing from her. My father didn’t want to upset her, so I would pay for all shopping from my own money, and then my mum would take her cheque book from her handbag, and I would write a cheque for the amount in front of her. My mum would suspiciously scan it in case I had added money, and then sign it. She would not let my father near the cheque book, as she didn’t trust him either, and as he had never written a cheque in his life, he was happy to go along with this.

I am a practicing Christian, and I have found myself wondering why God gave me enough strength to be a carer, without the satisfaction of believing and feeling (even if others told me) that I was a good one, without the selfless joy or sense of vocation and fulfilment that I see documented in so many carers’ blogs. In case this lessens the impact of my words – I would like to say that doctors, nurses, psychiatrists and my own family and friends, all commented on me being a good carer, so on the surface, at least, I succeeded. I try to be a good person. I didn’t run away from my responsibilities. I was there when I was needed. But only just.

And now I think that the reason why God gave me just enough strength to get through these years and to enable my mum and dad to feel cared for, but not the strength or personality to feel inspired or energised by my caring, is so that I can stick up for those carers who aren’t coping now. Because they need help. And I fear it is not economically or politically convenient to acknowledge this.

There are important, inspiring and influential people speaking on behalf of carers now – one person looked after her father who had dementia for many years – and whilst they do a vitally important job pointing out any problems in the system, many people speaking about caring are often quoted as saying they don’t personally regret a single moment spent looking after their family member, that they loved it and cherished the experience and would do it again in a heart beat. This is great and inspiring – but please PLEASE don’t formulate policy – like the one proposed about family being responsible for feeding – based only on lovely people’s experience of loving their relatives and not regretting a single moment helping them. Everyone has a different history. Carers are often not given a choice about caring – and they have no control about what they bring to the table – their past history with their relative – their own emotional resilience and self-confidence, their personality. Please don’t only listen to carers who loved caring – who are good at it – who get awards for their inspirational work and writings about their experience. Please can you listen to the ones who feel or felt they were – or are indeed rubbish at it – who are shamed into silence – who aren’t coping or only just – who are trying their best but don’t feel good enough – who really shouldn’t be left to carry the burden alone – or even carry the burden at all. And for whom, being responsible for feeding their families in hospital would be the last straw.

Because in these days of austerity, for many carers there just isn’t a large network of other family members who can take turns to help feed a relative in hospital. Many people are struggling on zero-hours contracts, or working for agencies or on temporary contracts. Such is the awful nature of our benefits system that those who are unemployed could often, in practice, not commit to taking turns at feeding their relatives for fear of being sanctioned. If you make it part of the expectations of a hospital that relatives are responsible for feeding patients with dementia, in effect it will be the same care-giving relative that has to carry the burden, regardless of the other demands on their lives, regardless of how they are coping with being a carer full stop. If I had had to feed my mum on one of her hospital admissions as well as travel to the blooming hospital every day, fight for Mum’s care, AND look after my family, I would have had to have been admitted myself.

I felt I had to write this for the sake of those relatives who are expected to be like saints when they are struggling to just get by as decent humans, but even writing this today and re-living my recent experience has made me feel awful. I am so very glad my mum felt loved by me and I cared for her until the end – that she only had her last fortnight in hospital and had a good, gentle death, but I am so, so glad I am not caring for my mum any more, and I strongly oppose any further (and economically convenient) idealisation of the role of relatives in the caring process – this puts intolerable burdens on those already stretched to the limit. Carers need more help, not less, and hospitals need more caring, trained staff, not relatives plugging the gaps.

If you are a foot, don’t wish you are a hand.

Yesterday I was on a dog walk and worrying in a rather anxiously self absorbed way about how useless it is to be anxiously self absorbed about whether I am doing the right thing. Then I started worrying self absorbedly about the fact that I was worrying self absorbedly about how anxiously self absorbed I can be about doing the right thing! Luckily I then got home from my dog walk and had a cup of tea and broke the increasingly miserable chain of thought, but the fact remains. I do want to do the right thing. But it isn’t always easy to know what that is, and then knowing what that is, to do it, and being anxiously self absorbed about that doesn’t help anybody, least of all me.

I find it so difficult to work out what the right thing is. Life is complicated, and people are fascinatingly complicated too, with different gifts and viewpoints and personalities and histories and needs. There is the golden rule ‘treat others as you would have them treat you’ and I have a religious faith in a loving God to whom I can pray and from whom I can ask help, but it doesn’t change my personality. I have strengths and I have weaknesses and any loving I try to do, or ask God to help me do, has to be done bearing in mind this fallible mixture.

Sometimes I wish I was different. I went to see ‘Suffragette’ last night. I cannot understand how anyone can sneer at that film. I am so grateful it was made. It was so sobering and awe inspiring to see the bravery of those women. They were amazing. I admired them for their clear sighted devotion and guts – I was so shocked to see force feeding and the brutuality of the way they were treated to get what so many of us take for granted now, and for which those heroic women gave their lives. And I knew that there was no way I would have been brave enough or strong enough to be a suffragette.

I live in Kent. Across the water from me I read in a newspaper that there is a teenage boy, younger than my own son, whose parents sent him from Syria to find safety and to earn money to send back to help his little brother, who has a hole in his heart. And that boy had a horrific journey to get to Calais, and keeps trying to get into England, and has been beaten and has had his shoes taken off him, and is now thinking about going the long journey back to Syria and maybe, in his bitterness and suffering, will join a terrorist group when he gets there. And he is alive, and suffering so near me, and I don’t know what to do about him and his family except pray.

Sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by the endless enormity of suffering everywhere. I really don’t need Professor Dawkins and debates about Evolution to rock my faith – just the sheer unfairness of life for so many people is enough for me. But at the same time I feel that faith in Love is THE thing which makes sense. It isn’t a platitude. Everything good in this world has come from love.

So I would like to remind myself today, and any of you reading, that we need to honour and revere and treasure and be happy about every incident, every example, of love we find. A friend of mine has recently adopted a rescue dog. The love she has for that frightened animal is inspiring. That love comes from exactly the same source as the love which inspired Wilberforce to work for years to abolish slavery, which inspires an artist to paint a beautiful picture, a charity to help refugees, a musician to practice a piece of music, a nurse to nurse, a writer to write or an adult to read a bed time story to a child. I would also like to remind myself to honour everybody’s gifts, including my own. In my bible there is a passage from one of the letters of St Paul, ( I Corinthians 12 1- 31) where he says everyone has a unique gift, and that it is no good a foot wishing it was a hand, or an ear wishing it was an eye. It says we are all one body, and we need to do what we can, not wish we were somebody else.

Hope, Faith and Love.

I haven’t blogged for ages – I’m not sure why. Partly it is because I have been very busy with family life and writing stories and reading books, partly because there are so many things going on in the world – so many other stories, and so many so sad – that I have felt a bit tired and overwhelmed. I felt very helped last week by this blog post. It is by a Christian blogger, but its central message, about needing to take time out to eat and drink and sleep – is so true and I think will also help those who do not see themselves as religious but care deeply about loving others. Somehow we have to get the balance between helping others and not burning out – between realising that ‘no man is an island,’ as John Donne reminded us, and realising that we are not omnipotent or God. I think some of us are more likely to have delusions that we are God than others – maybe not so much from arrogance but a habit in childhood of taking on more responsibility than we should have, which has become part of our self image and, mixed up with pride and fear of letting people down, is a bit toxic. It is so easy to look at the world and despair. ANYWAY. I feel a bit better. And I think I feel more Hope now – and I would like to share why.

First of all – the blog post. I am so grateful for it. http://tanyamarlow.com/when-the-journey-is-too-much-for-you-1-kings-19/

Secondly – giving a presentation to 200 student teachers at Canterbury Christ Church University. I find it so moving and inspiring that young men and women care so much about children that they want to spend three years training so that they can spend their lives teaching them. They will make such a difference to the children they teach – they are so vitally important – literally life -changing and it was a privilege to meet them, and I am so happy they bought my books!

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Thirdly. Thinking about and honouring my own vocation. I was thinking admiringly of the young teachers, and wondering about my own vocation to be a writer – and I realised that a vocation isn’t just about being called to help others – our vocation helps us too. Hopefully the trainee teachers will learn so much for themselves as they teach others. My vocation is to write – and the reason why I have this vocation is not just because (hopefully) it can help and give joy to others, but because I really need to do it and it helps and brings joy to me! For some reason I have so many thoughts and feelings that I need to write in order to cope with them – writing brings me Peace – and writing for children means that I also need to write stories with Hope in them – and finding Hope for children also finds it for me. So when I try to write the best stories I can for others to read – I am also writing them for me. When I try to tell stories full of Hope I am telling those Hope-full stories to the scared or hurting or puzzled child inside me.

When I say Hope I don’t mean sentimentality. This is the big temptation. Somehow I have to keep reminding myself that true Hope, as opposed to wishful thinking, is found and exists in the world as it is, even though the world as it is can be a desperately cruel place. As a writer I don’t want to gratuitously expose children to that cruelty, but neither do I want to sugarcoat it. I need to write stories with true Hope in them. This is a very hard job, even with a very good agent and editors , but the difficulty of it – the fact that it is really beyond my reach – paradoxically makes me feel that this really IS my vocation, and I know that it brings me great Joy. I think fundamentally, Hope exists in a suffering world alongside Faith and Love – if we keep all these three things in mind – if we realise we can’t do it on our own and we need to draw on and honour something beyond us – looking out for the realities of Love and Hope and Faith in situations and people we wouldn’t expect to meet them – then maybe we can keep going. But we will need to take breaks in order not to burn out, and look beyond ourselves – for strength.

Fourthly Friendship and Love. I have just been away for a night with my husband, and we met up with two very good friends and celebrated my dear friend’s birthday. We, as Tanya Marlow’s post says, ate and drank and slept, and it was good.

I would like to end with a difficult story which hasn’t got an ending yet, and which makes me very sad but also gives me hope because it is beautiful and full of love. I woke up thinking about this boy last night – and the only way I can cope with this story is to pray for him and look for Hope, Faith and Love and there is so much of that in this story. If you are feeling overwhelmed already then please first of all look after yourself and rest and eat and sleep. But if you feel in a good place, please watch it – and if you pray, please pray for this lovely boy and for his story to have a happy ending. This is just one story amongst millions – and the number of suffering refugees is one of the reasons why I have felt despair and been overwhelmed recently. However, the fact that this loving teenage boy exists and that this individual teenager is so brave and tender and has retained such gentleness in such adversity gives me Hope in humanity. Hope isn’t about knowing the end of a story- or it wouldn’t be Hope – and it is coupled with Faith and Love for a good reason. But I really pray that this boy refugee – who could be my son – will find safety – and that people will honour the heroic tenderness in him that he has shown towards his dog – and let them stay together. I wish I could just go over to Kos and bring them both to my home, I thank God for all the wonderful people who are trying to bring Hope into refugees’ lives.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2015/sep/19/syrian-refugee-dog-video

Reality Check

I’m at that point of the year where I do have editing to do and I do have deadlines, but they are not urgent, and deadlines are far off. I have new projects I need to start, and long term plans to make, and short term things like paying bills and supporting various members of my family are always there, but there is also a curious sense of waiting.

I think I need to check my voice. I’ve always sung a great deal, and have sung in public, but I haven’t been able to sing much for the last few years and  my actual voice needs help – over the years a combination of bad technique and stress being a carer has put a big strain on it, and it just doesn’t have the power or range it used to have. One of my resolutions when I next get paid is to have a couple of singing lessons. I so enjoyed singing again for ‘The Fairiest Fairy’ launch and I want to be able to sing properly again. But I think I also need to keep checking my writing voice. I know that if I am to write authentic things I need to be in touch with a deeper reality than my social media profile or twitter persona. I  love twitter in so many ways, but it can be overwhelming. Terrifying facts like the number of refugees in the world is one reflection of reality, and I need to be quiet offline to take that in and still feel that my one individual voice is worth bothering about.

Really, in one way to assert that my individual writing voice is worth bothering about, in the light of so much human suffering, could be seen to be an act of unbearable arrogance – but yet I know that my individual voice is vitally important to me as a writer. I know that I am terribly grateful to those writers and artists who have true voices – they add so much Joy to the world. My own reality check is that I believe in a ‘Higher Power’ – God who is Love. Part of me having an authentic writing voice is not to be afraid of saying that. That is my own deepest reality.  I believe in a God who loves each individual, and can be found in each person, religious or not, and who ultimately brings all things and people to good. It is hard to remember this reality sometimes when you see not only the heart breaking statistics about human suffering in the world, but the petty meannesses on twitter.

I found the way everyone leapt on the writer Matt Haig when he said he felt himself to be a feminist and wanted to write about masculinity  to be very depressing. Why not let him say what he was going to say and THEN comment on the resulting book?  He has proved himself already to have a wonderful, sensitive, authentic, individual voice – how can people want to silence him before he has even written anything, before he has been given a chance to define his terms? It’s like burning books before they are even written. Even some of the the nicest people seemed to feel it was OK to be some sort of thought police and pre-judge his worthiness to write about something on his own. I found it really frightening. Writers like Matt Haig are precious – he is extremely sensitive and gifted – give him space to write something real and authentic. It will be a gift for the world. I actually don’t think that he will write anything ‘wrong’ – I can’t imagine such a sensitive man writing anything crass – but it won’t be the end of the world if he does. Write your own take on it if you feel strongly about the subject – there is room for many voices in this world. Otherwise are we saying we must have books by committee, or that writers need to be chaperoned? How can this help Truth and Authenticity? Where is our tolerance of debate? Where is our tolerance full stop?

The frequent witch hunts and hate filled tweets on twitter can make it a depressing place to be sometimes. It can seem a scary place to be authentic and real. I think our lives are a process of  BECOMING more authentic and real – I believe it is a process which doesn’t happen overnight and it is something which we have to try afresh to be every day. I don’t even think we can do it on our own – it is only by surrounding ourselves with goodness and kindness and truth and by being in the presence of the source of all goodness that we can become part of it – dwelling on the negative can’t help. Life is complicated and muddled and we inevitably get things wrong, but we still need to try. We need to give ourselves and others space to formulate theories, discuss beliefs, even, horror of horrors, change our minds sometimes. I love the writer Thomas Merton because if you read his books on religion and prayer and Catholicism you can see how he changes over the years – by the end of his life in his later writings and in his life he became very open to and knowledgeable about other religions – but his first books were much more wary of them. I think that’s a sign that he was really authentic in striving after truth. I expect that some of the opinions I hold now will have changed in a few years – hopefully through reflection and honest debate – but certainly not through being condemned or hounded or shamed.

Luckily, life is not twitter, and all around me offline is evidence of beauty and kindness as well as tragedy and suffering. In my own village there are enough stories to fill a thousand books. And twitter can also be full of love and funniness and encouragement and the Holy Spirit of love, and there are some wonderful people on it who are full of goodness as they tweet, not just about social justice and helping others, but also about biscuits and illustrations and funny pictures. Here are some words about what accompanies the presence of ultimate reality – they are from the New Testament of the  bible but I think they have psychological truth even if you are not a Christian, and I think they are good tests for twitter and social media. Galatians 5:22-23  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” I think my own reality check today is to think about – no – let me be truthful – to sit and pray about these words, in the presence of the God I believe in and who knows I am not as nice or truthful or as authentic as I present myself to be on twitter – but who still loves me and every single other person in the world. God knows how!

My first picture book

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Come and hear the story of Betty the Fairy on 6th June 2015 at Waterstones, Canterbury Rose Lane, Canterbury 10.am- 12pm. Make paper flowers, decorate fairy wings and eat special cup cakes! All welcome!

I am so excited about this coming weekend – as my very first picture book, with GORGEOUS illustrations by the wonderful Rosalind Beardshaw, will be published by Nosy Crow Publishers this week and we will launch it on Saturday.  I absolutely love the fact that I imagined a little fairy struggling to put her vest on – and Rosalind brought her to life in the most lovable way imaginable. You can see the truth of these words by ‘reading inside’ – just go to this blog post on the Nosy Crow website:

http://nosycrow.com/books/the-fairiest-fairy

I love being paired with Rosalind – I feel I can show off about ‘The Fairiest Fairy’ until the cows come home – and even when they are safely tucked up in their cow sheds – and then when they set off again the next day – because I defy anyone not to think that, thanks to Rosalind, Betty is the sweetest fairy ever!  I am so proud that Nosy Crow loved my story and enabled it to be brought to life in picture book form – and I hope that the children and adults who read it will love Betty – and themselves – more after reading it!

https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-fairiest-fairy/anne-booth/rosalind-beardshaw/9780857633156 (hardback)

https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-fairiest-fairy/anne-booth/rosalind-beardshaw/9780857633163

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fairiest-Fairy-Anne-Booth/dp/0857633163/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1433109109&sr=1-1&keywords=the+fairiest+fairy

Dreams coming true.

When I was a child I asked Father Christmas for a dog every year. I also, throughout the year, asked my mum and dad for a dog too. My mum, who had grown up on a small farm in the West of Ireland but who had never bonded with her father’s sheepdogs, always said ‘no’. She pointed out that we lived on a council estate with a small garden, and it wasn’t fair to a dog – that they should have fields to roam in. My dad, who had spent his childhood in a small village in the midlands of Ireland in the 1930s truanting from school and taking various dogs with him to catch rabbits, wanted a dog too. Every Saturday afternoon he would go upstairs to have a nap, and when I would go to wake him up for tea he would tell me two ‘secrets’ 1) that we were going back to live in Ireland and 2) that we were going to have a a dog.  I remember once coming down to tell my mum that ‘Daddy says we are going to live in Ireland and we are going to have a dog’. ‘Hmm, does he?’ said Mum, and that was the end of it.

To be fair to my mum there were various very important reasons – not least my severely disabled brother’s needs – which meant that going back to Ireland would have been difficult.

Still, I never gave up the dream, and although I knew that a dog would not be coming from Mum or Dad, I had great confidence in Father Christmas. So much so that when, one year when I was 6 or 7, I found a box with ‘My name is Scruffy’ on it, I was absolutely sure it would be a puppy. I took off the lid of the box and found – a pyjama case dog.

I had a moment of sick disappointment when I realised he wasn’t a real puppy but, like Lucy in ‘Lucy’s Secret Reindeer’, I knew it wasn’t his fault and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I knew he wasn’t the dog  I had wanted, but he was mine, and I loved him. He was my constant companion throughout my childhood, and then became my children’s toy, although always ‘on loan’ from me.

Here he is:

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Here he is  under his own name in ‘Lucy’s Secret Reindeer’

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So, let’s rush forward to my 40th year. I was married, with four children, and I had a lovely husband. I had spent my life, before getting married at the age of 30, in rented accommodation where I could not have a dog, and somehow after marriage, in the rush of having four children close together, the idea of getting a dog receded. We had a rabbit and a guineapig, but no dogs.

Suddenly it hit me. I was never going to get a dog. It seemed ridiculous, as I had so much else in my life, but when I heard my mother, now elderly, telling my husband that dogs and children didn’t mix, and him agreeing that he couldn’t see how we would manage one, I suddenly couldn’t bear it. I felt doomed. It sounds very over dramatic, but I suddenly felt very depressed at the thought that I would live and die without ever having had my own dog, but too embarrassed, in the light of world suffering etc, to tell anyone. It seemed so trivial and yet it felt so important.

But this has a happy ending.

I told my lovely friend Jane, and she told me to tell my lovely husband, who was surprised at the depth of my misery, but very understanding and said that of course we should get one if I felt so strongly about it. We tried to adopt from a rescue Centre, but were advised that as the children were still small we’d be better off getting a known dog, whose parents and temperament and history we could be sure of, and so Jane ended up buying a golden retriever puppy for me. We paid her back every month, but she told us not to pay the last instalment as that was the tail, and that was her present to me for my 40th birthday.

And he was and is gorgeous, and appears in ‘Dog Ears’. His name is Timmy. I love him to bits and my children are always saying how glad they are that they have grown up with him.

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Then, a few years later, I met the writer Katie Fforde when she was teaching on an Arvon writing course I was a student on, and she told me about her Cavalier King Charles spaniels, and we joked about me getting one of her puppies if her spaniel ever had any.

And a few years later, puppies arrived.

Katie started putting up pictures of her puppies on her twitter feed and telling funny stories about them. And I kept showing them to my family and my husband said ‘Anne – would you like one for your birthday?’

And I felt very selfish but I knew that I really, really did. And, 7 years after we got Timmy, my lovely husband got me another puppy. I now had not one, but TWO dogs. Talk about dreams coming true.

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His name is Ben. And maybe because he was born into a writer’s home, he seems to have had a transforming effect on my career. As soon as he arrived I started getting short stories published, won a prize for flash fiction, got my picture book accepted with Nosy Crow and then got my marvellous agent and all my other books to date published etc.

And yesterday I decided to look at the old companion of my childhood dreams, my dog who was not a dog, but did his best, and comforted me throughout my childhood, and I brought him downstairs and put him next to Ben.

Photo on 18-05-2015 at 21.28

Do you see any connection?

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http://www.lovereading4kids.co.uk/book/11248/Dog-Ears-by-Anne-Booth.html

https://www.waterstones.com/book/lucy-s-secret-reindeer/anne-booth/sophy-williams/9780192737731